Momo's Guide to Relaxation
by Davan
Summary: Teaching Hitsugaya to relax should not be this hard. Handcuffs and chaos ensue. Co-Written with Kellen.


**AN:** Written with FFN user Kellen. A birthday challenge fic for our beloved Gogo.

It was raining

It was raining. It had started two days ago, as night had fallen. Now, at sunset, it was still pouring. Toushirou didn't have a problem with the rain in and of itself, but he could point to at least a dozen in his division – without having to think about it - who had become cranky at the lack of sunlight. That bothered him; not the rain. He would readily admit to wanting to knock a few heads together and demand that they count their blessings: there were no more wars looming – the last one had been long enough - and they were still alive enough to feel the damned rain. Not that he couldn't help them with that.

He liked the rain enough that he had even been blamed for it - an accusation he'd just glared in disbelief at. He absolutely hated it when other people made him cranky about the rain.

Damned division. Whatever had possessed him to actually become a captain in the first place? He hated dealing with the idiots who called themselves shinigami. Not a people person; that's what his lieutenant said. He snorted and rolled his shoulders to ease some of the tension there. He would never tell her, but he could only agree.

As it was, he'd retreated to his quarters as soon as he had deemed that enough work had been done to call it a day. Then again, he'd brought some paperwork with him, as he was wont to do at least three nights out of the week. Tonight it was some idiot incident reports about three of his division members going out and causing trouble. Cabin fever, they'd said, in an attempt to defend themselves. Toushirou had very nearly locked them in a small room together. Give them a few weeks and they'd know the real meaning of 'cabin fever'. And, even after 'speaking' with them he still had to file the incident reports.

Especially since Kuchiki-taichou had managed to get himself involved. Didn't his subordinates know better than to start things with Sixth Division members? Idiots. They were lucky he had gotten there before Abarai - or Kuchiki - had.

Even so, he couldn't bring himself to do these reports at his desk, frothing away at the idiocy rampant in his division. At least, in his own quarters, he could get comfortable and enjoy the breeze that the rain had brought with it.

Something about the cool breeze just made paperwork more tolerable. Well, that or more tempting to just put it away and sit there and let the freshness that the rain and wind brought with it wash over him. He was determined to enjoy this bout of cool weather for as long as it lasted. It was already early summer and even though spring had been remarkably cooler than what was usual he was enough of a cynic to expect the cool weather of spring to turn into a hot, miserable, summer there.

And a hot miserable summer was the last thing he wanted to think about. There were often rumors of mutiny and transfer in his division on long summer days. (Never mind most of those threats came straight from Matsumoto and were, therefore, disregarded as soon as heard.)

Thinking about what could possibly be a miserable summer was enough to make him cranky. He would not be cranky on a blessedly cool rainy day. He sighed, drank in the cool breeze for a few moments, and went back to reading the incident reports.

Better to be irritated by idiots in his division rather than the thoughts of what the weather might be like in a month. He dipped his brush into the ink well on his table and turned to stare moodily at the paperwork in front of him; as much as he'd rather deal with paperwork than idiots, it didn't mean he liked being inundated with work. The faster he finished with this nonsense, the faster he could settle in a more comfortable position and enjoy the weather. He let his gaze linger a few moments longer on the grey world outside before turning his attention back to the papers. Soon; very soon, he could enjoy himself.

He was going to get this finished and then settle somewhere where he could watch the rain. He glanced down at the paperwork in front of him again and had just lifted his brush to begin the tedious process of filling them out when an all too familiar voice rang through his rooms.

"Good evening!"

He would flatly deny startling; in all honesty, if he'd been paying a little more attention to what was around him instead of the paperwork - or mulling over morons in his division - she wouldn't have sneaked up on him. Never mind the chaotic brush stroke across part of that page he'd been working on; when he'd jumped he'd messed that one up pretty good. He sighed softly and eyed it. "Good evening," he returned, not looking up.

If he could just ignore it or clean it up a little, maybe he wouldn't have to rewrite it. Then again, he could just hand it back to the personnel involved and tell them to rewrite it. He wouldn't even need to hand it back. He could just tell them to redo it. Didn't even need a reason. He was the captain, after all, and they had been stupid enough to get into trouble. He would call it part of their punishment.

Hinamori though apparently didn't mind walking past him and towards his kitchen. Nor did she mind rummaging through his things. He glanced up, eyebrow rising when she started opening and shutting drawers. She turned and smiled.

"You," she said when he just kept right on staring at her, "are working too hard again. So I brought you dinner." Her smile turned a little sheepish. "I didn't cook it."

"And thank the gods for small favors," he returned quietly before going right back to his papers. He didn't work too hard; he worked just as hard as any other captain in the Gotei 13. Well, some other captains. Maybe one or two. He definitely worked harder than a few. He worked hard enough to stay on top of things; that wasn't too hard. If anything, other people didn't work hard enough.

He had a lazy lieutenant to prove that point.

He glanced at Hinamori out of the corner of his eye. Despite it all, though, dinner sounded tempting. "What'd you bring?" He caught her scowl and the way she shook her head and felt his lips quirk up in amusement.

"Fish," was the retort a few moments later and another glance from his paperwork indicated that she was answering his question but was otherwise ignoring him. She was turned away from him and her shoulders and back were tight and straight. She was annoyed but trying hard not to show it. Well that made the two of them then. He turned back to his paperwork content to let her do whatever it was that she was doing in his kitchen. Hinamori might not cook but she was fairly decent at cleaning up after herself.

That and he had paperwork to finish so that he could dump it off with his lieutenant in the morning. That way she could file what they needed and send the rest onto the proper channels.

"And don't think you are going to be getting any if you can't put that paperwork down for at least five minutes."

He snorted at that. She knew what the paperwork was like as the head of a division. (But then again, the fifth division only had a fraction of the number of idiots the tenth had. How was that possible? How did his division attract the idiots? Maybe it was Matsumoto.) "There was an incident with the Sixth," he said. She would know what that meant: incidents meant more work than usual.

There was a clank in kitchen and Toushirou blinked, looking up for a second. There shouldn't be that sort of clanking... "Hinamori?"

"Paperwork's just paperwork," she called. "Put it down."

He blinked. Paperwork might be just paperwork, but it was paperwork that needed done. He shook his head and went right back to it.

There was a sigh from Momo and he ignored it. He had exactly two lines done and he had a lot more work than that left to do. He had to repeat this process three times for each of the idiots and he couldn't be any less pleased about it.

A plate of sushi settled on the table in front of him, just out of reach and he glanced up, one eye brow quirking up at the stubborn set to her jaw. "Hinamori?"

"Paperwork down," she repeated, pointing to a spot further down the table, "anywhere but right in front of you and then you can have some food." His brow quirked up a little higher, she was blackmailing him with food? She pulled the plate a little closer, eye brows lowering and he leaned back in his chair.

Anywhere but right in front of him, huh? Did she realize how open-ended was leaving that? Knowing her, she thought she was backing him nicely into a corner. 'Anywhere but right in front of him' certainly did not mean 'put down the paperwork or you don't get food'. Raising a brow, he very deliberately slid the paperwork a few inches to the side. He could still reach it, he was still working on it, and it wasn't right in front of him.

He could almost feel Hinamori's exasperated gaze, but really... he needed to work on this stuff. He glanced up in time to catch the way her lips thinned and he leveled her with his own reproachful glance. She snorted and grabbed the plate, turning on her heel and heading back to the kitchen.

"You can find your own dinner if you're going to be difficult."

She stormed off to the kitchen and Toushirou watched her leave out of the corner of his eye, frowning. He wasn't difficult. She was. That's just how things were around here. She made demands and then became upset when he couldn't meet them. There was more banging and clanking in the kitchen and Toushirou's eyes narrowed.

Damn it, he was hungry. He just didn't see how paperwork and eating were exclusive. He sighed and went back to the paperwork. There was no reasoning with Hinamori when she'd decided he was being unreasonable.

And he was never unreasonable. She knew that. With a soft sigh, he turned back to the reports. He'd just end up blaming this mess on the idiots the incident reports were about.

He had half a page of paperwork finished when arms wrapped around his shoulders. He shifted his head around to glance at her when her chin settled against his shoulder. "You are so difficult," she murmured before placing a soft kiss where her lips were brushing against the crook of his neck.

Without even thinking, he cocked his head to the side for her. She wanted to kiss his neck, so he wasn't going to mess that up by not giving her the access she needed. He may have been stubborn, but he wasn't stupid. Her nuzzling gave way to kissing which went to... he twitched. Nibbling. That was... teeth. He sighed when her mouth slid over a particularly sensitive area, head shifting just a little more.

Damn it, but she knew how to distract him. "Not the one being difficult now," he told her, stalwartly ignoring her and staring at the paperwork.

Momo sighed before placing another kiss just under his ear. "No," she replied, letting her right hand shift down his shoulder to his right wrist. "You never take a break." She moved slowly and he moved his head around to see what she was doing when her fingers were replaced with something cold.

He was just shifting to see what she was doing when his other wrist had… metal? He blinked. She handcuffed him? Wait… what?

"So you're going to take a break." She leaned over to place a lingering kiss along the curve of his jaw. "It will be good for you."

He could have moved if he wanted to; she knew that as well as he did and he toyed with the idea of breaking free and giving her what-for on this one. And, right now? Right now, his idea of what she deserved might be a little skewed thanks to the attention she was paying to his jaw line. She might not have minded. Not at all, but...

...he had to admit to curiosity on this one.

"Was going to," he protested, wiggling his hands just enough to make the short chain rattle. She really didn't want him working on his paperwork, did she?

Momo reached down and pulled on the chain. "Not soon enough. Stop struggling, would you?" Another soft yank on the chain, another nibble under his ear, and he was convinced she really didn't want him near the paperwork.

She moved over and used her hip on the table. He blinked at her. It didn't take much effort to shift it several feet in the opposite direction which was good because who knew what kind of damage a table could do. Especially when Hinamori was involved.

Then Momo moved over and settled on his lap. "You really need to stop working so hard," she shifted upwards and kissed his cheek. "You're going to be _really_ grumpy soon and then Ran is going to lock you out of the office again."

She kissed the corner of his mouth before smiling against his cheek. "You need to relax," she told him, fingers pushing aside his clothing and dancing across bare skin while her lips moved over his jaw line. "Take a break," she whispered against his ear before leaning down to place a few soft kisses on his exposed collarbone.

If this was her idea of getting him to relax then she was going about this all the wrong way. Straddling his lap, pushing at his clothing, nibbling his collarbone; none of it was a good idea if she wanted _relaxing_. Toushirou snorted, though he'd readily admit that that snort wasn't all exasperation. All this nibbling on him was all well and good - gods, was it well and good - but damn it if he was just sitting there and taking it.

She'd only cuffed his hands. The rest of him was free, and he intended to make use of it.

Momo sat up to look at him, hands settling on his shoulders, and started to say something. He didn't want to hear it. She was talking too much anyway, thinking she was in control. He leaned forward and caught her mouth. She wanted to kiss, then fine. He could do that. Tongue against hers, heated, and it was making a damn fine distraction. Nearly distracted himself. He waited until just the right moment, that moment when she moaned against his lips but before she'd tighten her grip, and bucked his hips.

He couldn't help the smirk when she yelped and slid right off his lap. Served her right.

Momo scowled at him, arms crossing over her chest while she leveled him with what he recognized as her best grumpy vice-captain expression. "That," she said slowly, carefully, "was not nice."

She pushed to her feet and propped a hand on her hip before she slipped round him, back to his side and lightly slid her lips down his neck. She lifted her head so that she was murmuring against his ear. "I should just leave you there because of that, you know." And then she took one good step to the side and frowned at him.

"Would serve you right." She pointed at him. "Stop being an ass."

He turned his head slightly, glancing up at her from out of the corner of his eye, and caught her smug look. As if leaving him here would do would do her any good; surely she knew that nothing as simple as handcuffs would keep him in this chair. As if calling him an ass was going to win her any points. Judging by that smirk, however, she honestly thought she had him cornered.

He almost snorted; she'd be in far worse a predicament than he if she tried walking away now. He wouldn't just leave it at mere handcuffs, certainly wouldn't leave her tied to a chair. Best to curb the notion that she was in complete control of the situation as well. He twisted, hooked a foot around her ankle and pulled. She yelped and flailed, hands going to his shoulders to keep herself from falling. "Toushirou!"

She was mad. He smirked; good. She tried to push herself up off of him and he couldn't have that. Her neck was right there in front of him and he intended to make full use of that. His tongue dipped into the hollow of her throat.

"Yes Momo?" he murmured before dragging his teeth gently over the curve of her collarbone. He felt her breath catch and fingers tighten against his shoulders and he smirked against her skin. Foolish girl, she should know better than to tie his hands up and expect him to let her get away with it. He moved the foot around her ankle up higher around her knee and pulled. Momo didn't weigh all that much and it didn't take much pressure to send her sprawling into his lap again. Especially with the way she was already unbalanced against him.

Momo wiggled around for a moment in protest and his breath hissed out from between his teeth. He narrowed his eyes at her in warning when she glanced up at him through her lashes, her lips quirking up at the edges. Then she wiggled again, her thigh rubbing against him before she paused, pulling back and frowning at him. "Stop cheating Toushirou." She poked him in the chest, head angled backwards away from him so that she could scowl up at him.

He let one eyebrow rise in appreciation; her cheeks were starting to flush and she was pouting up at him. He glanced down to where she was sitting and slowly slid his gaze back up to her face; so much worse than the handcuffs if she kept teasing him like that.

He leaned forward, forcing her to tilt her head backwards to keep scowling at him and nudged her sleeve aside with his nose before kissing the warm skin there. "Don't be a tease, Momo."

She drew back out of his reach and he hissed again. Damn stupid girl, pulling back like that. Didn't she know that teasing him was going to get her into trouble? He could make this very difficult.

"I am not a tease," she announced and he had to stare at her in disbelief. What did she think she was doing exactly? She certainly wasn't getting to the point. "I'm just trying something new."

Oh, self-righteous indignation. Momo had a lot of that. He quirked a brow. If she wasn't careful they would be trying something very new and be doing it very, very soon.

"I can see that," he agreed. He wondered how much of this 'new' involved some carefully placed comments from Matsumoto. He was pretty sure that no matter how confident she was becoming in their relationship that this would have never occurred to her on her own. That meant his vice-captain had either cornered and teased her again or had offered her those 'helpful' little books. "Is there a point to this particular foray into something new?"

Momo narrowed her eyes at him in displeasure and he just barely repressed his own amused smirk. She was cute when she was annoyed but this pausing was not really working for him.

"I should have brought the gag," she muttered, crossing her arms.

One eye brow quirked upwards and he did stare at her then. A gag? What had she gotten into this time? "I am not the one who is going to need one if you just keep sitting there like that."

Momo huffed. "Shut up and enjoy this, would you?"

He blinked at her, all innocence. He was the one handcuffed to the chair after all. He was the innocent one. "I would if you'd get on with it."

She pointed at him, eyes narrowed and annoyed. He rather liked that look on her. All feisty and riled. "Next time, you're getting gagged."

He leaned forward and nipped at her finger. He might not be able to slap her hand away, but he wasn't helpless. And if she didn't get on with things, these handcuffs wouldn't be holding up much longer at all.

She muttered something under her breath again and pulled her finger away from his mouth before shooting him a reproachful look. Clearly she still was under the impression that she was completely in charge. Before he could comment she leaned in, her mouth pressing softly against his, small hands moving up to frame his face. She parted her lips and he took advantage of the motion and slipped his tongue against hers. She shifted one hand behind his head to curl into the hair at the nape of his neck and he shivered at the feel of her nails scraping lightly against his skin.

She shifted, hips sliding against his as she started to change her position and he dragged his teeth lightly across on her bottom lip in warning. She kept that up, kept teasing him like this with her little motions and her almost shy little gestures and…

… soft calluses sliding down his arms as she pushed cloth off his shoulders. She bent her head, dragging her lips across his jaw and nipping softly underneath his chin before soothing the soft bite with tongue and lips. She worked her way down to his neck and then over, paying special attention to his collarbone, nipping and nibbling.

She really needed to get on with it though, before he decided that no amount of torture was worth his patience. He squirmed a bit under her. "Quit teasing." There was teasing and then there was torture; this was crossing over into torture.

She hummed against his throat and he wished, fervently, that he had his hands. She was enjoying this entirely too much. Her hands slid up his shoulders and down his chest, lips brushing against his shoulder once more before turning her attention to what she was doing. He shivered at the feel of cool air washing over previously covered skin and dipped his head to watch her progress. She made it to his hips and pulled at what he had tucked into his hakama, loosening his robes considerably. Nimble fingers tugged at the knot that tied it all together and his breath caught when her fingers skimmed over his bare stomach and around the curve of his hip.

She glanced up at him through her lashes and he opened his mouth to ask her what she was doing when she reached up settled her hands on his shoulders, pushing up she shifted her position, a leg wrapping around each side of his hips and she settled comfortably against him. Well… mostly comfortable, a lot more comfortable if she would…

"Momo," he gasped against her throat when she rocked her hips against his.

"You weren't paying enough attention," she murmured against his ear before nipping lightly. Then she was kissing him again.

Well, he was paying attention _now_. What more did she want? She ran her hands across his shoulders, down his arms, and he twitched in response. He really wanted his hands free. This was not working, she was not being fast enough, and he was not made of patience. If she didn't get _on with it_ she might find herself the one cuffed.

That idea had merit.

He rocked his hips against hers in response when she shifted against him again; damned awkward but hell if he wasn't going to make his wishes known somehow. She could honestly not keep wiggling like that and not expect him to react.

Momo's breath hitched before she pushed backwards, eyes a little wide. "Toushirou!" He leaned forward, determined to get his point across and she shifted backwards, chin tilting in an all too familiar stubborn expression and he realized two things too late. First of all the only thing anchoring Momo to him was her legs wrapped around his waist. The next was that his weight was shifting forward and hers was going back.

Her eyes widened in comprehension and she tightened her legs around his hips in an attempt to pull herself back, but all she succeeded in doing was distracting him to the point that she took him down with her when she tumbled off his lap.

He wasn't entirely sure what he hit his nose on the way down, but he did know that that awful feeling welling up in his nose meant that very soon, there was going to be blood. Lots of blood. And he didn't even have a hand to stem the flow with. He sniffled - like a child, damn it - and buried his nose against the floor. Gods, what kind of stupid move had that been?

"No more chairs." His voice was muffled and damn it if this wasn't a mood killer. Half-dressed, handcuffed to a chair, bleeding nose and... with his luck Matsumoto would walk in right now. With a woman as clumsy as Momo around, he should never do this in a room that wasn't padded.

"Let me see." That was Momo wiggling again and he grunted - no more wiggling. Exactly how was she going to see when she was pinned down by his weight and the chair? He heard her muttering under her breath again and wondered what she was griping about this time. She wasn't the one whose nose was gushing blood. Somehow she managed to get her hands behind his back again. A few more seconds and the handcuffs hit the chair with a small clink.

The chair was pushed up and she was pushing them both into somewhat of a sitting position, not that he was helping, stupid girl. He reached up to cover his nose and she winced.

"I can fix that."

He sniffled again, gingerly probing the bridge of his nose, and staring at her. So he was annoyed. He figured he had every right to be. She couldn't just get on with it when she had him; she had to tease and torture and look where they ended up? In a heap on the floor, bleeding. Of course, he was the only one bleeding. How was that fair? This had turned into one hell of an experiment. "You had better."

No more experimenting without proper safety precautions in place. He really needed a padded room with Momo around.

Momo snorted and reached up, hands gently probing at his wound before she worked her way through a basic healing kidou. The pressure in his nose eased and, a few moments later, she pulled her hands back before fishing around for a second and producing a small white cloth.

"Here." She offered it to him a small smile. He eyed the cloth; one would think she had the whole thing planned out – injuries included. "Oh, take it, Toushirou," she said, shaking the cloth. "It's not poisoned."

He reached out and took it carefully. Never knew what she might have planned; Matsumoto had probably planted some hellish ideas in that empty head. He dabbed at his nose, ever wary of whatever her next step might be. "No more chairs," he repeated. He really wanted to get that point across.

Momo blinked at him and then glanced at the chair and her expression turned sheepish. "All right," she agreed. She glanced back at him and her mouth quirked up on the right side, just a tad. "But we can keep the handcuffs, right?"

He stilled, staring at her over the top of the cloth. Keep the handcuffs? He grunted. Keep the damn handcuffs, huh? Fine. Only if they were padded. And if she was the one cuffed. He stayed quiet; let her stew on that one for awhile. Honestly, he could care less about the handcuffs, just as long as chairs were never involved again. Ever.

"We _can_ keep the cuffs, Toushirou? Right?"

He shook his head. She was such an idiot sometimes. She leaned forward and he let her settle at his side, much more comfortable that way, so long as she didn't think about using those handcuffs just then.

"Yes Momo," he said, pulling them over to his side of their little area; best to keep them safe and sound for a little while – the next ten minutes or so at least. "We can keep the handcuffs."


End file.
